From Awakening Together Radio
This poem originated from an experience several monthes ago, when I took a rest on our terrasse from intense business with various texts and an aching heart. I was afraid to suffer a heart attack any moment. Through the experience, where this poem is coming from, my pain was gone within a short time and I could take some relaxed breaths again.
As I found out later, this poem has, the deeper you go into its thoughts, a healing capacity indeed. I have had the experience, that it can be applied helpfully to all sorts of restricting and frightening situations.
A HEAVEN’S KISS
The hush of Mary cools my aching, burning heart,
her love comes streaming through my dark.
While Jesus’ hands relieve my shoulders from behind,
putting to ease my troubled, busy mind.
The while my legs and belly feel a Chinese master’s touch,
they never had relaxed that much …
And from above comes Heaven’s kiss,
oh what enormous, time- and space-less, happy bliss!
OPEN THE DOOR LAUGHING!
The other day I was once again pursued by nerve wracking spasms in my lower legs at night. Soon after I had gone to bed my legs would start jerking and kicking involuntarily thus keeping me from going to sleep. I was dead tired, but had to get up anyway to do something about it. A hot shower didn’t really help, neither did massaging my calves nor hunching around nor Magnesium pills nor getting some fresh and cold air on the porch. I felt the muscles of my face were all tight in expectation of the next spasm which I could feel building up distinctly in either my left or my right calf before discharging and making the affected leg jump once again. To top all that I would constantly have to pee due to a tenacious bladder infection and had already used up three or four diapers just recently. Gosh, I was so tired of all this. Couldn’t stand changing those diapers every 15, 20 minutes and having those legs of mine jerk the next moment.
Every once in a while I thought of a good word or sentence too however like “Healing” or “Peace to my legs and to everyone” or “Thank you, dear Lord, for my health” trying to somehow really concentrate on these good intentions. The jerking and peeing would pull me out of this however again and again.
Then the memory of Nouk Sanchez’ Miraculous prayer for healing arouse in my mind. Here is the whole of it:
“Holy Spirit, my belief in ______(issue or problem)______ as real, causes me to feel
attacked, and to defend myself against it. In my
defense I am alone, isolated from your Love and True healing in my awareness. Yet the Truth is your Love and healing is all there is.
Nothing exists apart from your Love.
I recognize in choosing to believe this fear, I reject your Love and healing. And I defend myself from your Love, joy and peace. I now decide to bring my concerns and fears to you, Holy Spirit, so we can look upon them together. We will look at my list of defenses together. I ask that you shine your Love into my mind, and reinterpret these fears for me. Cleanse them and transform them into areas of healing and inspiration.
I acknowledge my only part in this:
1) I invite you in to look at these fears and judgments with me. I will not judge myself or another while we do this; instead I will leave a space of total non-judgment, so you can fill it with Love and healing.
2) As I look upon it all, I will say to myself with sincerity, “Even though this appears to be a problem, and despite any feelings of fear,
anxiety, anger, guilt or doubt I may hold, in this instant I open myself to receive healing through the miracle. I accept this healing. And so it is. Amen.”
(From The End of Death by Nouk Sanchez, undoing-the-ego.org)
I somehow tried to put the main parts of this prayer together in my mind.
‘Okay, holy spirit’, I thought, ‘let’s look at this crap together.’ Nothing happened. However at least the invitation was expressed, I believe.
Finally I decided to lie down again and try to get some rest even though it didn’t feel like those spasms or peeing attacks would stop. With another fresh diaper I went to bed. Simultaneously the honest and serious question arose: ‘Say, what does this mean? What’s the real reason for all that?’
Then somehow, strangely enough, there was relaxation in my legs and I felt I was falling asleep.
A very unusual experience followed. I knew I was sleeping, however I kept being awake and aware. And then, like an answer to my foregone question, out of an inner darkness figures appeared, a slow silent parade of all kinds of unloved shadow characters. Some were mutilated, some wounded, some menacing, some apathetic, some looked like beasts. I could see them all very clearly. I was fascinated. There was no fear involved in this, just fascination about this dark parade.
Finally, I guess, seven dark hooded riders came toward me. They looked exactly like the threatening riders from “The Lord of the Rings”. The central rider came straight at me, but since I knew this was MY dream, again there was absolutely no fear. I knew I was the boss of this dream. With much interest I looked directly into the hood of this central black rider. There was nothing but darkness there to be seen. And as I looked closer and closer into this darkness I fell asleep.
After a good night’s rest I found myself sitting on our cold wintery porch again drinking a hot morning-coffee and puffing a cigarette. Slowly the light of a clouded and foggy day came shining through. I had put on a new pair of diapers. The peeing-impulses were a lot more back to normal again and the spasms were gone entirely. I remembered my waking dream of the dark parade and also this saying from Jesus, where he talks of himself as being the open door. The open door. I believe this is what he wants each and every one of us to be. Open doors. Instead of being locked castles or huts.
In a telephone talk with our good friend Nina, a psychotherapist, we talked this waking dream over and I remembered a Rumi-poem I had translated into German for my first book of Rumi-translations after Coleman Barks. It seemed to fit perfectly to explain my dark parade from the night before:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at your door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
(From The Essential Rumi – translations by Coleman Barks)
Meanwhile my bladder problems have diminished significantly and my nightly spasms are but short. What is astounding too is that my walking ability has gotten still a bit better after already having improved considerably since summer 2012, which had marked the end of a phase of 23 years on crutches and in wheelchairs.
Thanks to our Lord and His Living Holy Spirit!
Christoph Engen, February 3, 2014
A pre-Christmas lunch
The other day my wife Evi and I were invited for a little Italian lunch at our son’s place. I wasn’t sure if I was going to go since my son hadn’t invited my old Mom as well. Of course she wasn’t real easy to handle and of course she didn’t like going out from her old-peoples’ residence too much anyway and be aside Evi and I had had her over at our place the day before. However I was angry at my son anyway. At least he could have asked her, I thought. Well, he hadn’t.
Finally I decided to go to our son’s and his girlfriend’s invitation anyway. It was the last chance to see them and our little granddaughter for a few weeks to come. And, by the way, I felt hungry!
All sorts of educational thoughts where shooting through my mind on our way in the car, but fortunately I shoved them aside and decided to keep my mouth shut as to grandma. I had so often mentioned those things to my son before. Beside my mother had rarely been too much of an interested grandma herself.
We were welcomed very affectionately. My son was quite amazed I didn’t take the elevator up to their 4. floor apartment, but came rather nimbly climbing up the staircase. After over 20 years on crutches. And as I spun round in sort of a pirouette afterwards in the kitchen, his eyes were shining with joy.
Then, as I watched him cook so very diligently with us shooting the bull and laughing it away, still those educational thoughts popped up in my mind.
Eventually I decided to sit on the balcony for a self-rolled cigarette. These moments of retreat were usually the times when I would hear my inner voice with special ease. I put on my jacket and my woolen cap.
When I had finally settled down on a very low plastic seat on this tiny and lofty forth-floor balcony puffing away happily, again those educational thoughts came shooting by and seemed to want me to figure out a good way to formulate my critical statements toward my son. Thank God, my inner soul’s Voice or say Universal Intelligence was there too and told me something completely different:
“Take it easy”, She said, “get that clear: there is nothing missing here. All is perfect.”
A big black crow was flying majestically across the cold blue Bavarian sky.
“Just think of your mother. She’s perfectly fine where she is, with all those pre-Christmas events going on in her residence. And besides, did you forget? … There is no such thing as separation through space and time anyway!”
Instantly I deeply felt the innate perfection of life.
There is no such thing as separation. Through nothing! Nobody is apart!
There is only this one very instant of perfect life flowing and extending through each and every one of us. No negative past is of any relevance here. Except to make us forget what we never wanted to forget! And what everyone tries so very hard to remember: this beautiful, powerful flow of Unconditional Love.
Wow, how happy and thankful I was!
And what a great Italian lunch we were to enjoy!
With nobody missing and everyone there …
I could almost see my mother smile!
Christoph Engen, Dec. 26th 2013
THE SHIFT OF PERSPECTIVE
Withdrawing the perceived lack of perfection from situations that they appear to have – in one’s mind – is what brings us home instantly!
When I am not experiencing perfection, harmony, deep peace and utter happiness in any given situation, I still do recognize this lack of perfection in my very own mind. It is there where my experience of lack originates. The “outer” situation is but reflecting this.
This is exactly the point, where forgiveness sets in: in forgiving or letting go the lack that I’m just experiencing – or, so to say, in pulling it off of my awareness like a sticker -, instantly the reality of this given situation shines forth and I’m delighted to realize, that it hadn’t been lacking anything whatsoever and that it is nothing but another magnificent expression of our innermost home, eternal aliveness!
THE TRUE MEANING OF FORGIVENESS
The true meaning of forgiveness reaches far beyond simply pardoning other peoples’ or our own wrongdoings. It’s a majestic way of giving up all of one’s treasured, unquestioned beliefs in body, space and time.
We generally hardly ever question our belief to be bodies bound by time and space. We generally cling to this beautiful and yet terrible body-identification leaving us in the end with bundles of loss: Loss of youth, loss of summertime, loss of health. However in the realm of SPIRIT there is no such thing as loss.
So forgiveness actually means to bring all those hidden and treasured beliefs in any kind of limitation up to the surface of our consciousness and to open up to the information we are choosing ourselves to be bound by them!
Then, as we honestly face these beliefs and our holding on to them, we can easily realize, we might just as well let them go! This is the moment when Spirit takes over with all his freedom and power and happiness. And it might not take long until we realize, it is this very same Unbound Spirit we truly are ourselves!
All that seems so very difficult and yet it’s as easy as opening up a hand! What makes it appear so difficult is nothing but our silly and futile love-affair with limitation.
So why not go for our real love-affair with the Divine?
Christoph Engen, November 12th, 2013