, ,



The other day I was once again pursued by nerve wracking spasms in my lower legs at night. Soon after I had gone to bed my legs would start jerking and kicking involuntarily thus keeping me from going to sleep. I was dead tired, but had to get up anyway to do something about it. A hot shower didn’t really help, neither did massaging my calves nor hunching around nor Magnesium pills nor getting some fresh and cold air on the porch. I felt the muscles of my face were all tight in expectation of the next spasm which I could feel building up distinctly in either my left or my right calf before discharging and making the affected leg jump once again. To top all that I would constantly have to pee due to a tenacious bladder infection and had already used up three or four diapers just recently. Gosh, I was so tired of all this. Couldn’t stand changing those diapers every 15, 20 minutes and having those legs of mine jerk the next moment.


Every once in a while I thought of a good word or sentence too however like “Healing” or “Peace to my legs and to everyone” or “Thank you, dear Lord, for my health” trying to somehow really concentrate on these good intentions. The jerking and peeing would pull me out of this however again and again.


Then the memory of Nouk Sanchez’ Miraculous prayer for healing arouse in my mind. Here is the whole of it:


“Holy Spirit, my belief in ______(issue or problem)______ as real, causes me to feel
attacked, and to defend myself against it. In my
defense I am alone, isolated from your Love and True healing in my awareness. Yet the Truth is your Love and healing is all there is.
Nothing exists apart from your Love.

I recognize in choosing to believe this fear, I reject your Love and healing. And I defend myself from your Love, joy and peace. I now decide to bring my concerns and fears to you, Holy Spirit, so we can look upon them together. We will look at my list of defenses together. I ask that you shine your Love into my mind, and reinterpret these fears for me. Cleanse them and transform them into areas of healing and inspiration.

I acknowledge my only part in this:

1) I invite you in to look at these fears and judgments with me. I will not judge myself or another while we do this; instead I will leave a space of total non-judgment, so you can fill it with Love and healing.

2) As I look upon it all, I will say to myself with sincerity, “Even though this appears to be a problem, and despite any feelings of fear,
anxiety, anger, guilt or doubt I may hold, in this instant I open myself to receive healing through the miracle. I accept this healing. And so it is. Amen.”

(From The End of Death by Nouk Sanchez, undoing-the-ego.org)


I somehow tried to put the main parts of this prayer together in my mind.


‘Okay, holy spirit’, I thought, ‘let’s look at this crap together.’ Nothing happened. However at least the invitation was expressed, I believe.


Finally I decided to lie down again and try to get some rest even though it didn’t feel like those spasms or peeing attacks would stop. With another fresh diaper I went to bed. Simultaneously the honest and serious question arose: ‘Say, what does this mean? What’s the real reason for all that?’


Then somehow, strangely enough, there was relaxation in my legs and I felt I was falling asleep.


A very unusual experience followed. I knew I was sleeping, however I kept being awake and aware. And then, like an answer to my foregone question, out of an inner darkness figures appeared, a slow silent parade of all kinds of unloved shadow characters. Some were mutilated, some wounded, some menacing, some apathetic, some looked like beasts. I could see them all very clearly. I was fascinated. There was no fear involved in this, just fascination about this dark parade.


Finally, I guess, seven dark hooded riders came toward me. They looked exactly like the threatening riders from “The Lord of the Rings”. The central rider came straight at me, but since I knew this was MY dream, again there was absolutely no fear. I knew I was the boss of this dream. With much interest I looked directly into the hood of this central black rider. There was nothing but darkness there to be seen. And as I looked closer and closer into this darkness I fell asleep.


After a good night’s rest I found myself sitting on our cold wintery porch again drinking a hot morning-coffee and puffing a cigarette. Slowly the light of a clouded and foggy day came shining through. I had put on a new pair of diapers. The peeing-impulses were a lot more back to normal again and the spasms were gone entirely. I remembered my waking dream of the dark parade and also this saying from Jesus, where he talks of himself as being the open door. The open door. I believe this is what he wants each and every one of us to be. Open doors. Instead of being locked castles or huts.


In a telephone talk with our good friend Nina, a psychotherapist, we talked this waking dream over and I remembered a Rumi-poem I had translated into German for my first book of Rumi-translations after Coleman Barks. It seemed to fit perfectly to explain my dark parade from the night before:


The Guesthouse


This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.


A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.


Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.


The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at your door laughing,

and invite them in.


Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

(From The Essential Rumi – translations by Coleman Barks)


Meanwhile my bladder problems have diminished significantly and my nightly spasms are but short. What is astounding too is that my walking ability has gotten still a bit better after already having improved considerably since summer 2012, which had marked the end of a phase of 23 years on crutches and in wheelchairs.

Thanks to our Lord and His Living Holy Spirit!



Christoph Engen, February 3, 2014