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Category Archives: Therapy

How to activate healing

15 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by Christoph Engen in A Course in Miracles, Choice, Future, God, Healing, Holy Instant, Mindtraining, Past, Spirituality, Therapy

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Atonement, Depression, Laws of God, MS, Path of light

https://christophengenblog.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/jan-14th-2016-the-lamp-of-atonement.mp3

 

Audio on “Let me remember I am 1 with God”

03 Friday Apr 2015

Posted by Christoph Engen in A Course in Miracles, Chronic dieases, Depressions, God, Healing, Holy Spirit, MS, Radio, Spirituality, Therapy

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Giving up, Happiness

Broadcast from “Awakening Together Radio”:

https://christophengenblog.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/christoph-engen-4-2-15.mp3

THE SINGING TOES – A tale of healing – Complete version

16 Friday May 2014

Posted by Christoph Engen in A Course in Miracles, Awakening, Depression, Education, Forgiving, Friendship, God, Handicap, Health, Inner voice, Literature, Metaphysics, Multiple Sclerosis, New Thought, Poetry, Responsibility, Soul, Tale, Therapy, Water under the bridge!, Wheelchairs, Writing

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Chronic disease, Depression, Healing, Metaphysics, Multiple Sclerosis, Recovery, Tale, Writing

Christoph Engen

THE SINGING TOES

How Someone Found Healing By Listening To Their Inner Music

 

An imaginative depiction of a first-hand experience of recovery from long-time chronically progredient MS and recurring depression

 

FOREWORD
Dieter Mittelsten Scheid, MD

What is exceptional about Christoph Engen’s tale of healing is that it is born out of his own personal experience and speaks to us in such a simple and direct language that it can easily reach young people too who are inflicted with physical or mental handicaps. Although the message is not new, it is made accessible to us through the direct experiences of the author and reminds us of our own inner wisdom. In this way it is authentic. The fable encourages us to deal with our illnesses and limitations in a new, playful and creative way; to open our senses to everything we are perceiving in the present moment; to question our negative concepts about ourselves and others; to feel our hearts and to be ready to experience our personal small or big miracles of life. When we follow this path healing effects will materialize and changes will occur in our physical health which we previously never thought possible.

As I read Christoph Engen’s story, I was reminded of an experience I had many years ago, when I spent two weeks alone in a heavily snowed-in hut in the Karwendel mountains in Austria. Initially, I did not find it easy to cope with my sense of loneliness, the coldness and the mice which kept me awake at night. Every evening when my mood sank, I painted a picture—something I had never done before because my ‘me’ was convinced I was unable to paint. They were colorful fantasy paintings of strange magic. In the daytime I would take long walks on my cross-country skis. One afternoon,, as I was walking through the forest, the world suddenly changed for me; I saw the rainbow-colored glittering snow crystals on the trees shine in unearthly beauty and the air reflected a clearness that I had never seen before. All of a sudden everything started talking to me—the rushing brook under the ice and the tremendously high fir trees. The message I heard was simply, ‘We belong together; we are one.’ In an incredible feeling of joy, I hugged the trunk of an exceptionally mighty fir and cried.

I wish that through reading Christoph Engen’s THE SINGING TOES, the readers will also embark on an inner path filled with courageous certainty. The unexpected wonder of life can be experienced when we let go of our negative concepts, when we listen to our inner voice and let ourselves be guided confidently by life.

Dieter Mittelsten Scheid, MD

 

INTRODUCTION

As the main character of this tale finds healing by following his inner voice, his inner music, I myself got over twenty-three years of multiple sclerosis and recurring depression. The core thoughts which helped me along and keep on helping me day by day are woven into this tale. With all my heart, I thank all those who brought these good thoughts to me and guided me thus to find my way into this incredible stream of healing life within that is our home.

Christoph Engen, May 2014

 

ONE

‘Bring love into your world and you’ll find the Great First Love,’ the old white-haired man had said to Rudy, who had been sitting in his wheelchair, feeling desperate, in front of the mall his mom had just gone into. As he walked on, the old man had turned back to him with an open smile, and had added, ‘And, of course, health, too.’ His eyes had twinkled whimsically. ‘It works. You’ll see. You’ll be running again.’

Rudy lay in his bed and couldn’t stop thinking about his encounter with the old man. He couldn’t sleep. Since his accident, sleeping had been the one remaining pleasure for him, when he could forget about the whole dog’s dinner with the broken legs, and all the pain killers, and all that mess. But now that wasn’t working.

‘Okay,’ thought Rudy, ‘how is this supposed to work? Bring love into my world…’ He rolled laboriously onto his side. Suddenly it felt like he could hear the voice of the old man speaking to him.

‘Hello Rudy. That’s a really good question. I’m profoundly pleased!’

‘Huh???’ Rudy burst out. Such a thing had never happened to him before! Suddenly hearing another voice inside of him! No, not hearing, thinking!

‘Don’t panic,’ the old man’s voice went on‚ ‘You heard me this afternoon in front of the mall. Why shouldn’t you be able to hear me now in your mind?’

Rudy searched for an answer.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ the voice went on. ‘Let’s just answer your question. Well, you love your parents, at least sometimes, and some other people, too. Now it comes down to loving your broken legs, too. Why don’t we start with your toes? They haven’t moved for such a long time.’

‘Since more than two years ago,’ Rudy said sadly.

‘Exactly,’ the old man’s voice said. ‘Give them names!’

‘Huh???’ slipped out of Rudy again, sitting bolt-upright in his bed.

‘What would you like to call your right little toe?’

‘Little asshole’!’ exclaimed Rudy, ‘It hasn’t moved in years!’

‘Alright. And now give your right little toe a nice name. If you call somebody an asshole, they are usually not very happy about it, right?’

Rudy pondered this. ‘Why not?’ he thought.

‘Exactly,’ the old man’s voice said.

‘How about Cutie?’ Rudy asked quietly.

‘Great!’ came the answer.

 

TWO

‘Cutie’, Rudy repeated in his mind.

‘Exactly,’ said the voice of the old man in Rudy’s mind. ‘Right little toe: Cutie.’

Rudy became very sad. ‘But I don’t feel it at all anymore!’

‘That’s exactly why,’ the old man said in Rudy’s mind, ‘you should give it a name. That is how you bring the forgotten back to you. By giving them names. Nice names.’

‘And then?’ Rudy asked.

‘Then you repeat this name over and over, whenever you remember and as soon as you remember. And when you think about your disability and realize that you’re getting sad, then react immediately—say Cutie and think about your right little toe. Over and over, okay? You’ll be amazed! Maybe it won’t take long before you feel that little hoodlum-toe again. It depends on you too!’

 

THREE

Since the accident Rudy could only lie or sit, and he often became sad because of his disability. So he had lots of opportunities in the days that followed to try what the old man had suggested. He actually didn’t want to be sad, and he wanted to be healthy again, regardless of what the doctors or anyone had told him. So he called his right little toe Cutie again and again, and he felt the calming effect of that nice name. It seemed to him as if his right little toe was somewhat more alive again, and warmer, although he did not feel any movement in it.

That happened just a few days later. Rudy was sitting in the bathtub and was humming along to a catchy little song playing on the radio. His gaze fell on his right little toe under the water’s surface and suddenly it twitched.

‘Wow, Cutie!’ Rudy yelled out, ‘That’s amazing! Mom, come quick!’

Rudy’s mom could hardly believe it. She had often been unhappy because of the terrible prognosis from Rudy’s doctors, and she accused herself often for having done something wrong.

‘That’s so great!’ she said with a radiant smile.

‘You see?’ Rudy said, ‘And you thought I was crazy to call it Cutie.’

‘No,’ his mother said, ‘because you have been talking so much about that strange voice you heard.’

‘Oh, Mom, you often hear strange voices in your mind, don’t you? All your fears and worries because of me!’

Rudy’s mom quickly changed the subject. ‘Well, if your right little toe is called Cutie, what’s the name of your fourth right toe then?’

‘Wow, what a good question,’ Rudy answered, and thought about it for a moment. Then it burst out him: ‘Frederick! That’s it, Frederick!’

‘There’s a lot going on in your bathtub today,’ his mother said, and laughed.

 

FOUR

And so it happened that as time passed, Cutie and Frederick began to wake up again, and stirred more frequently. What’s more, the other toes gradually joined in too.

Next in line was Rudy’s right big toe, who was named Tom.

The middle toe, then, was called Claire.

And finally his second right toe. His name was Little Paul. This second toe was the hardest for him to feel. That was because whenever he thought of Little Paul it usually only stirred something in Tom or Claire.

Well, anyway, by playing with his toes so much movement had come back to Rudy’s feet again! It didn’t take long before he could cut back on his pain killers, and then he even stopped taking them altogether!

His doctor was really excited. He said that he had never expected such improvements. Even Rudy’s legs had developed stronger muscles again. With things going so well, Rudy would not have to settle for spending the rest of his life in a wheelchair. The doctor even prescribed instructions for Rudy to learn to walk again.

 

FIVE

In the meantime, Rudy had given his left toes the same names as his right ones. To be able to distinguish them from each other he had given his right toes the number one and his left ones the number two.
So Cutie Number 1 was his right little toe, Cutie Number 2 was his left little toe, and so on.

Rudy was very happy with his progress and time after time he drew pictures in his mind about how he would receive a great prize for his healing and his insights, and what great a speech he would hold.

‘Can you still remember what happened back then when your nervous disease started, the one you call an accident?’ the old man’s voice asked Rudy suddenly.

Rudy was just sitting on a stool in front of the bathroom-sink, brushing his teeth.

‘Let’s get to the bottom of things’, the voice continued.

‘But why?’ Rudy asked, ‘Everything is getting so much better already anyway.’

‘Because it is not only about loving your toes’, the old man’s voice said in a serious tone.

Rudy reflected. ‘Well, there was this stupid situation with Lucy,’ came to his mind, ‘and with this idiot, Charlie, who kept teasing me because of her.’

‘And how did you feel then, Rudy? What were you thinking about back then?’

‘He kept telling me over and over that Lucy would never be interested in me, that I was too small and too fat, that asshole!’

The voice of the old man repeated the question again: ‘What did you think then?’

‘I was totally pissed off,’ Rudy said, ‘I really wished him hell!’ Then he paused, and some tears came rolling down his cheeks. ‘That was so mean! That stupid asshole, that moron!’

‘Exactly’, said the old man in Rudy’s mind.

 

SIX

‘Did you ever forgive him, at any time during the two years that you’ve been ill?’ the old man’s voice continued in Rudy’s mind.

‘How’s that supposed to work?’ Rudy asked. ‘Am I supposed to just go up to him and say, “I forgive you for that”?’

‘No,’ he clearly heard, ‘you don’t have to say anything to Charlie. It would even be better that way, but you could also see that he’s as much a victim of circumstances as you are. Do you think he would have treated you so badly if he hadn’t been treated badly by his father?’

‘That’s true,’ Rudy thought. He had even once seen Charlie’s father yelling at him in front of the school.

‘And he passed that onto you,’ the old man said, ‘He passed his hurt, his resentment, on to you because he didn’t forgive himself.’ For a long time it was very quiet in the bathroom, and Rudy sat on his stool thoughtfully.

‘Remember what I told you during our first meeting in front of the mall, Rudy?’ the old man eventually continued, ‘“Bring love into your world and you will find the Great First Love.” Back when your classmates visited you the first time, you didn’t even look Charlie in the eyes.’

‘That was the only time he was there, anyway,’ Rudy protested, ‘He never showed up again after that!’

‘Would you visit somebody again who rejected you? So instead of forgiving Charlie—mind you, only in your own thoughts—you have cherished and nourished your anger this whole time over. And you don’t think something like that makes sick?’

‘I can be angry for as long as I want to,’ said Rudy, furiously.

‘Correct,’ the old man’s voice continued, ‘Absolutely right. You can be angry until you turn blue in the face. You can be upset until your anger takes you to the grave.‬ ‪And then the whole circus starts up all over again from the beginning.‬ ‪Because you didn’t get it.‬ ‪Because you still believe in being a victim of circumstances.’‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

‘A victim of circumstances! A victim of circumstances! What does that mean anyway?’ snapped Rudy, ‘I’m only thirteen!’‪‬‬‬‬

Now it seemed to him as if the voice was laughing brightly, like a girl, then it became serious again, and said, ‘A circumstance is, for example, when someone annoys you. ‪And a victim is someone who can’t do anything about it except annoy themselves in return, or be afraid. And someone who forgives is someone who knows they’re never the victim of circumstances, and that they always have a choice. ‪In the sense that they say, “Okay, that was stupid of that guy, but I’m not interested in being upset about him. I want to love him anyway, and therefore Water under the bridge!” That’s how simple forgiveness is. ‪Maybe that’s why so few practice it. ‪But forgiveness reaches a lot deeper still. ‪It helps you get to where you really are.’‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

‘Huh?’ said Rudy.

 

SEVEN

‘The best way to imagine it is like this, Rudy,’ the old man’s voice said, ‘When something happens to you that upsets you, just say: Water under the bridge! Don’t even start hanging on to your thoughts about it. You just keep your grievance alive by doing that. Just say: Water under the bridge! This is what is meant by forgiveness. Because when you think or say Water under the bridge! you’re literally wiping your mind clean of emotions and anger and fears.’

‘And this is supposed to work?’ Rudy asked incredulously.

‘It’s just a matter of how serious you are about it. If you say Water under the bridge! with determination, then it works. If you say it half-heartedly, then it will only work partially. It’s up to you and your determination. After all, your mind is your mind. No one else has a say in your mind, only you. If you allow grievances and anger and fears to settle in, then you will experience agitation and anger and fear. If you say, “I want to experience love and joy and freedom, so Water under the bridge! to bad experiences and bad feelings!”, then you make way for all the good that the universe holds in store for you!’

‘It’s really that simple! That’s why so few are doing it, because it seems too simplistic to them. Few imagine what a huge responsibility they have as to whether or not their lives move gently, whether they really enjoy life or not! ’

‘But in regards to your question: saying Water under the bridge! will give you much more than a pleasant life. It helps you, as I said, to get to where you really are. And where are you really?’

‘Huh?’ exclaimed Rudy one more time, ‘Well, here in the bathroom, where else?’

‘And so? Are you really utterly happy and pleased here in this bathroom?’

‘Well,’ said Rudy, ‘so-so.’

‘So, no,’ said the old man’s voice in Rudy’s mind. ‘And would you like to be where you are totally happy and pleased?’

‘Of course,’ Rudy promptly replied.

’So,’ the old man said, ‘this place, if you’d like to call it a place, is nowhere else but right within yourself. Within your mind. After all it’s your mind that is your center. Or do you believe your body is your center? Never, ever! And one usually only recognizes this after bringing love into one’s world. Into the entirety of one’s world. And this works easiest by saying Water under the bridge! to all the negativity one recognizes within one’s mind. ’

’I’ll share a phrase with you now. Remember it, think of it often, and write it down. It will bring you home, sooner or later:

What I really am can be found
nowhere in greater abundance and joy
than precisely wherever I am
right in this very moment.
’

 

EIGHT

‘So, how are your toes doing?’ the old man’s voice asked Rudy, after he had scribbled this mysterious phrase down on a piece of paper on his desk in his room.

That’s when Rudy suddenly realized that his toes had been moving as though they were tapping along to some music ever since he had first heard the old man’s voice inside. In the beginning, when only a little sensation had returned to his toes, it had been very subtle, but the more and the longer he had thought about their new names, and the more they had woken up, and the more he had had contact with the old man in his mind, the clearer that dancing had become. How come he hadn’t realized it earlier?!

‘Yes, um, I’m just realizing,’ Rudy stuttered, ‘that my toes, somehow they started dancing!’

‘As if they were singing along to a beautiful, joyful song?’

‘Yeah, that’s exactly it!’

 

NINE

Eighteen years had passed. Rudy was sitting one day in his favorite café for lunch, and was about to get up to pay and rush back to his office again. There was still so much to do today. Now that his agency was finally getting going, there was more work than ever. The old, slightly yellowish, worn piece of paper that he always carried with him in his wallet slipped into his fingers again. While he reached for his cane, he read thoughtfully again what was written there:

What I really am can be found
nowhere in greater abundance and joy
than precisely wherever I am
right in this very moment.

‘My gosh,’ thought Rudy, ‘that was so long ago. And I still don’t understand it yet.’ He hadn’t thought about his toes for such a long time. Perhaps that was the reason why his health situation hadn’t improved from a certain point onwards. Perhaps that was the reason why he had needed a cane to walk with for almost twenty years.

‘That might be the reason,’ the old white-haired man said, standing before his table, beaming at him. Rudy almost fell off his chair. It was the same old man from back when he was a little boy! For years he hadn’t heard his voice anymore from within, let alone seen him! The old man didn’t look a bit older. Yet this time he was dressed utterly nobly in a sand-colored suit, and peeking out from under a dark blue silk scarf in the middle of his chest on a fine gold chain was a small, apparently very old golden watch, with a clockwork wheel and a numberless clock face. But with no clock hands…

Fascinated, Rudy stared at the impressive appearance of the old man. Years ago, back in front of the mall, he had been dressed very ordinarily. Now he appeared like a king.

‘You should change that,’ the old man said. ‘Or better, you could change that, Rudy.’ Rudy couldn’t speak a word. He realized that the numerous other guests at the café weren’t seeming to take any notice of the impressive old man.

‘Change what?’ he stammered, confused.

‘You need to take more time for yourself. For your healing. Or do you want to hobble on a stick for the rest of your life? Take a vacation. Two weeks. Take two weeks of vacation and concentrate again on what is really important. Lucy can keep your business running just fine.’

‘But she needs so much time for our little Paul. I don’t want to burden her with that,’ Rudy replied after a pause for reflection.

‘Lucy can do it just fine,’ the old man said, and added with a twinkle, ‘don’t forget, she is a woman. And it does your son good to know that his father is doing something reasonable too, not just working on his career.’ With that, the old man pushed across the table a postcard that pictured a hut at the edge of a little mountain lake in the bright shining sun, address included.

 

TEN

It had been raining for days, actually since the moment Rudy had arrived at the little wooden hut in the mountains. Through the window he saw rain pelting down on the mountain lake. It was grey, gloomy and not at all hospitable. Rudy rinsed his breakfast dishes in a small, rusty basin in cold water. There was no warm water available, which in itself brought him close to tears again. How lonely he felt in this melancholic mountain hut! What a crazy idea to come to the middle of nowhere for two weeks! At home he had a family and work and friends. And here? So what if he simply spent the rest of his life walking on a cane?

What he was missing the most, however, was the inner voice of the old man. He didn’t hear anything inside himself except his own agonizing thoughts. He had often asked inwardly, ‘Where are you? Where are you then?’ The only answer he had heard again and again was, ‘I am present. I am with you.’ But these few words hadn’t changed one bit his miserable feeling of being abandoned by God and the entire world up there.

‘How about getting in touch with your toes?’ was suddenly present clearly and brightly inside him.

‘Why the hell should I be interested in my toes?’ Rudy blurted out. He wanted to be in his familiar environment again! With the people he loved!

‘That will come,’ was thought inside him again. ‘You are never alone. Are you listening? Never!’ That was the voice of the old man!

‘What does that mean, “I am never alone”? Not a soul is here!’

‘No other human body is here,’ the voice corrected him. ‘You have no idea how much soul is present! Now get in touch with your toes.’ The voice sounded so determined that Rudy immediately did as he was told.

Already two hours later he was feeling much better. He thought again and again about Cutie, his little toe, about Frederick, his fourth toe, about Claire, his middle toe, about Little Paul, his second toe, who was still a bit reluctant, and about Tom, his big toe. On his right foot, as well as his left. With Little Paul, his second toe, his little son came to his mind, and his darling, cheeky laughter. Actually, it was because of this second toe’s name that Rudy and Lucy had called their son Paul…

More and more distinctly his toes had moved during his practise and had played and tinkled with one another, as if they were instruments that had had to wait a long time to be used. Eventually Rudy noticed that his whole body had become more agile through his toes’ play. During the previous lonely days his body had literally rusted. Now it began to stretch and expand delightfully! Rudy filled his body with a yawn as loud and unrestrained as a hippo’s!

 

ELEVEN

During a later limping-along walk in the rain, Rudy inhaled the clear, drizzly mountain air deeply, and without warning an unexpected sense of happiness shot right up through him. Where did that come from? The weather was still lousy, there still wasn’t a soul in sight, he was still alone, but somehow he felt clearly: he wasn’t alone! ‘That’s crazy,’ thought Rudy.

For some reason, from somewhere, Charlie came into his mind. ‘He’s probably trying to hit on Lucy again, now that I’m away,’ he thought.

‘They are completely free people, Lucy and Charlie,’ he heard the old man’s voice inside. ‘What concern is it of yours? Let them be.’ Rudy stumbled and barely caught hold of a tree trunk. ‘Now, roll from heel to toes as you walk on!’ The voice suddenly didn’t sound at all friendly anymore, but rather extremely strict. Rudy took fright and spun around, as if someone was after him.

‘But Charlie should leave Lucy alone!’

‘Negative. You are to leave Charlie and Lucy alone. Do you really believe that just because you’ve married Lucy she’s not free any more? Lucy isn’t some sort of booty you’ve captured!’

‘If only my cell phone would work,’ said Rudy, ‘then I could call her.’

‘It wasn’t for no reason that it quit working when you got here,’ the old man replied. ‘Now roll from heel to toe.’ Scowling, Rudy marched on through the rain back to the hut. ‘Roll over,’ the voice of the old man repeated. ‘Feet are not stumps, you hear? Feet are like magic wheels that roll your body through life. And wheels roll.’

‘Ok, boss!’ Rudy snapped, and told his feet, ‘Roll over!’

‘Exactly,’ said the voice of the old man in Rudy’s mind. ‘Always touch down with the heel first. And then roll the foot over the outer edge, then the ball of the foot and the toes roll forward. And don’t keep propping yourself on your cane first, otherwise you’ll forget to use your feet. Are you listening? First roll your feet and then use your cane for help, but only if it is necessary.’ Rudy complied. ‘Yes, exactly, now we’re getting there, bit by bit,’ the voice resounded with a chuckle. ‘And don’t forget your pelvis! It has to be swinging along like a ship on your magic feet-wheels!’

Rudy made a serious effort to bring all of this together. ‘And stop forgetting your spine! It has to be swinging on your pelvis-ship as well! And loosen your shoulders! Relax your neck!’ Rain and sweat started mixing on Rudy’s forehead. He stood still and took a deep breath. ‘Your head always has to move along, Rudy. Don’t forget it. It’s like the crow’s nest lookout set on top of the mast of your spine, so to speak. And it sways along, of course! Alright, keep going! You’ve rested long enough.’

‘Take it easy!’ Rudy hollered out into the rain and hobbled onwards.

 

TWELVE

Five more days passed and Rudy made distinct progress with his walking. As much as the old man’s voice annoyed him at times, he made a sincere effort to comply with it. What else was there to do in this gloomy solitude anyway? It didn’t stop raining and he still didn’t have any cell phone reception. And still no one around. Just a falcon could he see at times in nearby trees or at the edge of the little mountain lake.

Rudy had just returned from a walk, and he let himself fall wearily on a wooden chair. On the sisal rug in front of the camp cot crept a thin earthworm. ‘Boy, will I be happy to return home,’ he thought. He carefully picked up the earthworm with his fingers and threw him out the door.

His glance went out the window to the wobbly handrail which surrounded the hut. He heard a nearby vigorous beating of wings. All at once the falcon landed directly on the handrail in front of his window, peering inside with a fierce look. When he noticed Rudy, the falcon pecked sharply with his beak to the right, then to the left, then to the front, flapped his wings powerfully a few times, and abruptly burst out with a glaring cry that froze Rudy’s blood. He screeched directly at Rudy, then pushed elegantly away from the railing with his claws and disappeared into the grey, rainy sky. Rudy’s hair stood on end. The scream of the falcon had pierced his bone marrow. All weariness was as if blasted away. With a beating heart he fell onto the cot and stared up at the wooden beams.

‘And? What did it say, your bird?’ rose inside him.

‘“Wake up, Rudy”,’ Rudy stammered. ‘“Wake up, Rudy,” it shrieked,’ said Rudy silently, and closed his eyes.

‘Breathe,’ said the old man’s voice inside him. ‘Breathe calmly. Breathe slowly. Calm down. Come home.’

 

THIRTEEN

Rudy had fallen asleep.

When he woke up, his whole body was glowing. He opened his eyes. ‘Water,’ he thought. He got undressed, ran naked to the little mountain lake and jumped straight into the icy water. When he had swum just a few strokes he realized that he had run to the lake without a crutch! Shivering with cold, Rudy, like a hobbling duck, stumbled back to the hut. He dried himself quickly and thoroughly, and began to dress himself. Finally, he sat on the wooden chair and dried his feet, every toe separately. While doing so, he spoke every single toe name lovingly: Cutie, Frederick, Claire, Little Paul, Tom. Left foot, right foot.

Suddenly it seemed to him as if he heard his toes singing! What now?

‘Just listen,’ the old man’s voice said in his mind. And Rudy clearly heard a gospel song, a joyful, infectious melody, to which his toes sang!

‘We love to live, yippie-dee, yippie-doo,
Love to walk, yippie-dee, yippie-doo!
Together we are a beautiful star!
Yippie-dee, yippie-doo, yippie-doo-be-doo!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
We love to live, yippie-dee, yippie-doo,
Love to walk, yippie-dee, yippie-doo!
Together we are a beautiful star!
Yippie-dee, yippie-doo, yippie-doo-be-doo!’

‘They will lock me up in a nut house,’ Rudy thought, grooving along without a care.

‘Ok, my friends,’ he finally said to his toes. ‘Let’s go for a walk on the wild side!’ With that, Rudy boogied with loose steps out the door.

‘What on earth is this?’ slipped out of his mouth as he raised his eyes. It had stopped raining!

‘Very well,’ Rudy said to himself. ‘We won’t let that spoil our mood, right, my friends?’

‘Never, ever, honey! Never, ever! Oh yeah, sweeheheet hohohoney, nehever, ehehever!’ his toes sang back, enjoying a proper kneading with every step.

The sun broke through the clouds more and more, and when Rudy sat down on the only bench around, near or far, it shone powerfully directly down on him.

‘Oh, my God,’ Rudy thought, ‘How beautiful this life is!’

For a while he sat still, with his eyes closed, and simply enjoyed to the fullest the bright warmth on his face and hands.

 

FOURTEEN

‘Do you remember the sentence on your piece of paper?’ the old man’s voice asked inside his mind. Rudy couldn’t think of the words. The paper was somewhere in the hut. ‘Then open your eyes now,’ the voice said.

‘Why?’ thought Rudy. He felt such a marvelous peace inside himself. Like warm, liquid gold. Only when a tear ran across his cheek did he open his eyes and wipe the tear away. Well, this was incredible!

Abruptly he realised he wasn’t separate from anything he could see! Such a thing as a Rudy-person did not exist at all in reality! Although of course it was him who experienced this miracle! Everything around him now sang, ‘Me!’ Everything was Me!

He was all of it! All of this was his world! His experience! These trees, this path, this little lake with the hut on the horizon. These couple of clouds that just dissolved in the sky, this sun, the little bug that crawled across his hand!

Rudy’s mouth hung open. His chest glowed. ‘What a peace,’ he thought.

‘Yes, living peace,’ the voice of the wise old man said, as he appeared from out of nowhere, standing before his bench, smiling at him. ‘You will never forget this, Rudy.’ With that he turned away and began walking down the mountain path.

‘Will we meet again?’ Rudy called after him.

The old man stopped and called back without turning around, ‘It’s not necessary, Rudy! Now you are me!’ These words echoed in Rudy like the beat of a drum. He didn’t understand a word and yet he understood every word!

‘Now I am you,’ he muttered. ‘Yes, exactly!’

Then the old man turned towards him and shouted laughingly, ‘Your cell phone is working again. Why don’t you call Lucy?’

And turning away and continuing on, his voice reverberated, ‘Oh! And don’t forget about Charlie! He’s been overseas for a long time. When he returns from his business trip, give him my best regards!’

Rudy’s toes tinkled boldly. Then there was silence and the incredible living peace again inside his mind…

 

FINIS

Translation by Andreas Pröhl and Kushla Gale, © Christoph Engen, 2014

 

How I got over depression and MS through other peoples’ belief in me

25 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by Christoph Engen in A Course in Miracles, Chronic dieases, Depression, God, Handicap, Healing, Holy Spirit, Literature, Miracle, MS, Spirit, Therapy, Wisdom, Writing

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Depression, Healing, Mental Health, Miracles unlimited, Multiple Sclerosis, Writing

It’s only today that I realize how much other peoples’ belief in me helped me to overcome my longlasting disease.

I deeply thank each and everyone who believed in me and my wholeness and health in the many years that I couldn’t do so, be they visible or not, be they from Christian roots, from Eastern wisdom-teachings, student-teachers from A Course in Miracles or helpful freelancers.

I had been suffering from progredient MS and recurrent depression for 23 years already and to get around I had to use walking aids or wheelchairs. In the last years of this miserable phase I would furthermore suffer from constipation, incontinence, fatigue and neuropathies.

All in all this whole situation felt like an agonizingly slow process of dying, losing one capability after the other. I had often tried to get up to high buildings in order to jump down and end this suffering once and for all. However the notion this might not solve any problem whatsoever and would only leave tears behind consistently stopped me.

Then what finally slingshot me out of this hell was that one legendary night I just was entirely fed up with dying. This was my life and I wanted to live it abundantly and be happy again, together with others!

What I was fed up with most of all was this constant fear that had meanwhile spread over so many areas of my life like some exuberant cancer. Fear, fear, fear, wherever I looked in my life. Meanwhile I was afraid of everything. There was fear of walking anyway. Of course there also was fear of eating something wrong. There was fear of smoke, fear of alcohol, fear of white bread, fear of my hunching about on two canes, fear of peoples’ reaction who saw me that way, fear of falling down, fear of death, fear of life. Fear of everything!

And it was this very own fear of mine I had fostered and nourished and pampered for so very long that I rendered a definite, terminal kick in the butt that night. I wanted to live and be happy again and in communication. Not tomorrow or in a week, but right now!

My depression was over immediately and my MS symptoms gradually started dropping away. As many abilities as I had lost over the decades as many keep coming back to me one after the other, and more than that:

Soon it was realized there is this Living Stillness and Peace deep within that becomes available the more that I give myself up to it. As is experienced, all healing and recovery comes from there. It feels like a radiant inner home that is absolutely unshakable. It feels like an unlimited inner reservoir of healing and life and happiness widely open to everyone who is willing to open up to it.

So there is actually only one thing I changed for this to become accessible:
I choose happiness and health the moment something unhappy comes along in my mind. Be it a feeling of guilt or a feeling of anger or a feeling of fear or a feeling of pain. And different from earlier times in my life, today I’m extremely determined in this.

Whenever any kind of relapse shows up, it doesn’t take long and I remember to take it as but another chance to find back to this inner radiant home of ours and to deeply refresh and recover in it.

It is truly our mind that is in charge of the way our lives develop. Any experience – good or bad – is but a mirror in which we can learn something about the attitudes we adopted. And if the picture we see in this mirror does not suite our wishes, it is our attitude we have to change first for the good to occur.

When we let go of our negative thoughts about whatever and decide for the good, the Eternally Good that is hidden behind will soon shine forth and show us exactly which way to go and lead us to greater and greater thankfulness, understanding, happiness and of course also health.

I just need to remember: Happiness is not a fleeting chance, it is a decision!

As already Einstein put it:

EVERYTHING IS ENERGY AND THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT.
MATCH THE FREQUENCY OF THE REALITY YOU WANT
AND YOU CANNOT HELP BUT GET THAT REALITY.
IT CAN BE NO OTHER WAY.
THIS IS NOT PHILOSOPHY. THIS IS PHYSICS.

Christoph Engen, April 25th, 2014

THE VEIL OF THIS WORLD

06 Thursday Mar 2014

Posted by Christoph Engen in A Course in Miracles, Awakening, Depression, Freedom, God, Healing, Literature, Metaphysics, Music, Poems, Poetry, Soul, Therapy, Writing

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A Course in Miracles, Depression, God, Poetry, Soul, Writing

THE VEIL OF THIS WORLD


The wall of this world only grows thin

through the love that we bring.

 

And at last it becomes a beautiful veil

that breezes along as Love’s divine tale,

 

displaying each instant God’s blissful eternity

to the eternally free.

THE HEALING POWER OF A COURSE IN MIRACLES Part 2

15 Saturday Feb 2014

Posted by Christoph Engen in A Course in Miracles, Awakening, Depression, Education, Fear, God, Health, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Literature, Metaphysics, Miracle, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, New Thought, Poetry, Therapy, Writing

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A way out of depression and MS, Metaphysics, New Thinking, Writing

Christoph Engen

 

THE HEALING POWER OF

 A COURSE IN MIRACLES

 

A student’s way from Depression and MS to Healing and Awakening

 

 

Part 2

 

 

LONDON

 

For the end of June 2010 Ian Patrick, the editor of Miracle Worker Magazine, and I had planned a talk plus seminar for me to give in London. My old pal Felix, who had already saved me from burning in the Dead Sea, accompanied me.

 

Exactly the day we left for the airport there was a sudden onslaught of intense summer heat. I hadn’t expected this at all and at that time was still pretty bad in tolerating hot weather. When we eventually arrived after not being allowed to leave the plane for hours on end due to heavy flight traffic at Heathrow I was knocked out completely. And it was hot! My head was buzzing like mad and my legs were pure pudding. Fortunately once again Felix took wonderful care of me, getting our bus-connections in London straight, carrying our entire luggage, partially with the help of a darling Indian airport-employee and running around like a marathon man. I kept wondering why the heck I had to do this all. This whole trip was on an entirely voluntary basis!

 

The night Felix and I spent in a rather small king-size bed that I had already been pretty critical about and I remember how suddenly his big arm landed trustfully on my chest as if he believed in his sleep I was his girlfriend. My eyes shot open wide, I turned away from him and the next moment with a boom I landed on the floor.

 

Fortunately the next morning my strength came somewhat back and since it was still rather fresh outside also my good spirits returned. This changed pretty fast though as it got hotter and hotter. In the evening I was supposed to give my first London-lecture at Ian’s “miracle café” in the first floor of Neal’s Yard Salad Bar.

Gosh, it was hot! Holding on to my two crutches I tottered to the venue and even though there were quite some people sitting outside in cafés I had to pull out my uribag to find relief for my nervous bladder squeezed into some narrow house-niche. What a drag! And the topic of my lecture was “Forgiveness: Key to Healing, Plenty and Happiness” …

 

When I had finally climbed up those few stairs to the first floor again my head was buzzing feverishly and I just felt like going to sleep. No way. Some thirty people were already streaming in and the place filled up quickly. Five minutes before the lecture started I decided to go to the tiny unisex-restroom and try to empty my bladder much as possible so it wouldn’t mess up the evening. As I stepped out of the restroom a young lady was coming in at the very same time. We greeted each other nicely and with my left hand still holding on to the doorframe for balance she closed the door shut. I screamed out like crazy. My fourth left finger hadn’t had the time to get out of the way. Of course the young lady opened the door practically the moment I yelled out loud and apologized deeply and I put on a forgiving, friendly face however I intensely felt my poor fourth finger pulsate in pain. The cold water from the tap I tried to cool it with was lukewarm and even without glasses I could see the fingernail turn red.

 

It really hurt! And there I was sitting surrounded by those dear London-Course folks and took another look at my pounding finger. The fingernail had turned purple meanwhile. I was sure this was going to last long. But somehow I must have dropped this thought and while Ian Patrick spoke his welcoming words all of a sudden the pain was gone. I couldn’t believe it. As I looked down at the finger there was just a small lightly reddish spot to be seen on the fingernail. And absolutely no pain! 

 

At the end of my little talk a wonderful lady stepped to the center of our gathering, Merle Forbes, and sang a capella the spiritual „On my knees“. I was moved to tears. And I believe we all were.

 

Yes, all there really was for me to do was to surrender to the Divine …


THE POWER OF DECISION

 

 

The relapse

 

 

“Every disease is a musical problem,

every healing a musical solution.”

 

Novalis

 

 

Almost immediately after our return home I fell back into the mental state of a little overburdened and panicking child. Several difficult situations had come together in my life and I felt sheer panic as to how on earth I could ever handle all this. A state of massive depression followed and lasted for over two years.

 

Due to this depression almost immediately my health situation got worse. The neuropathies in my feet that I had gotten used to meanwhile began to spread all over my legs and all the way up to my bottom. My incontinence got so bad that I hardly dared leave my four walls. I was pursued by constipations and especially from late afternoon on my legs shook with spasms. To get rid of this horror and be able to think clearly again and happily would only work the six, seven times I succeeded to follow my inner guidance and stay up a whole night and the following day. However soon as I went to bed again I felt my old fear creeping in again and take over and the next morning my panic and disorientation was worse than ever before. Hadn’t it been for Evi who kept life running for the two of us over this entire period, I would have been lost. Whenever she left home in the morning to go to work and I heard the door shut behind her I felt like a prisoner in his dungeon.

 

So again I had gone to the desert. However this time it was the planet of desertedness in the universe of my mind.


 

The laughing apple

 

 

“I decided to be happy, because it’s better for health.”

 

Voltaire

 

 

What finally slingshot me out of this hell of depression once again was the insight that I myself was the one and only cause of all this horror. And I had had plenty enough of all of this panic and fear and these rotten MS-symptoms! It was one day before my 55th birthday.

 

A good 53, 54 years before as a baby I had been in a little crèche under my grandfather Paul’s beloved apple tree marvelling at the beauty all around me.

I had felt so relaxed and so very well protected by my grandparents’ and my parents’ love …

 

During this legendary day two very dear elderly friends of ours, Elisabeth and Manfred, had taken care of me during the day time since Evi had had to go to the hospital for a foot surgery. I had been very afraid of how on earth I would be able to deal with these three days with no skirt to hide behind. All day long Elisabeth had driven Manfredo and myself through the Bavarian countryside and I remember how moved I was to see there were still cows around and meadows and villages and beer gardens and normal people leading their normal lives. Over the two years of “imprisonment” within my four walls I had been sure I would never be able to get out again and lead this kind of a normal life and enjoy such wonderful little human delights as going to the country.

 

Back home alone this night and after finally ending an eight day antibiotic therapy due to a bladder infection my spastics too returned back to “normal”. The antibiotics had worsened these spastics tremendously from evening on all through the night, sparing me but one or two hours of sleep. So this night promised to be less crampy and shaky. Near midnight I watched a wonderful documentary on a tour by the musicians Konstantin Wecker and Hannes Wader und from deep within me I felt my WILL TO LIVE wake up again!

 

I was so fed up with these depressions, I was fed up with these pains, and I was fed up with this jerking of my legs! I was so completely fed up with this entire MS! Fed up, fed up, and fed up with all that!!!

 

And what I was fed up with most of all was this constant fear that had meanwhile spread over so many areas of my life like some exuberant cancer! Fear, fear, fear, wherever I looked in my life! Meanwhile I was afraid of everything. There was fear of walking anyway. Of course there also was fear of eating something wrong. There was fear of smoke, fear of alcohol, fear of white bread, fear of my hunching about on two canes, fear of peoples’ reaction who saw me that way, fear of falling down, fear of death, fear of life. Fear of everything!

 

And it was this very own fear of mine I had fostered and nourished and pampered for so very long that I rendered a definite, terminal kick in the butt that night! I wanted to be alive and happy again.

 

Next noon Evi returned from the hospital. It was my birthday and yes, I truly felt born again!

 

Eight weeks later I had recovered considerably from my MS symptoms and there were still three apples on the little apple tree of our small city-garden. The one laughing apple had already fallen to the ground and so had his follow-up apple with less distinct smiley markings. Over the weeks those laughing apples had continuously reminded me of God’s face that unflinchingly showered me with its smile and I am sure some of the apples in my grandfather’s garden had smiled at me just the same …

 

By the way: When I once again had a bladder infection three or four weeks later I reacted beautifully to the prescribed antibiotic.

 


How to free ourselves from suffering by decision

 

 

Since I know him I have been fascinated by my friend Michael Ostarek’s tinkling toes. Whenever Michael gives one of his talks on the Course, his toes are often moving about and tinkle and play with each other as though they were dancing to some inaudible music. How does he do that? From my perspective this is entirely a question of his spiritual alignment.

 

A Course in Miracles teaches very simply that we DECIDE – not only once a day for the rest of the day – but each and every MOMENT. What do we want to experience? In fact totally independent of how this moment appears to our perception, our senses, our body. No matter whether we are critically ill or fit as a fiddle, no matter whether we’re just exhaling our last breath or whether we are in the middle of experiencing birth of one of these fascinating lifetime dreams or whether exactly those are just breaking to pieces. How will this very moment be judged by our mind? Do we evaluate this present moment from the point of view of Love or from the point of view of fear? These are the two alternatives open to us. And for one of these we have to decide, if we don’t want to fall into confusion and depression.

 

This coherently means that depression, that confusion is a decision. We are just hiding the fact that we do DECIDE each and every instant most of the time very skilfully behind the fogs of what we call the subconscious. Then we say for instance, without being aware of this self-deception, “I really couldn’t help it.”

 

So what else is depression but a subtle camouflage of our truly free, all encompassing, Universal Spirit?

 

What we decide for in a depression is precisely to not decide at all and just suffer. Because we haven’t decided, we have very well decided thus leaving the steering wheel to our old, familiar reflexes, and the ship of our life now wallows guidelessly about in the ocean of life. We then believe we are at the mercy of this wallowing and talk about the power of tides or of weather or fate or the pharmaceutical industry or of evil powerful politicians, parents, teachers and so on.

 

By then we have definitely forgotten that it’s ourselves who MUST be steering our wheel when we want our lives to run well. To be able to jubilate “Oh happy day!” we have to decide so and decide so this very moment.

 

Or we decide for fear. This also is a decision! Not chance. And of course we will experience the effects of this through and through. Why? Because life follows our decision. At every moment. This consequently means:

 

At every moment we CAN undo a decision for fear, suffering and unhappiness and in turn decide for the good. At every moment we can decide to be happy. Independent of the apparent outer circumstances. Why is this so? Because we are independent, free children of the big living picture, free children of the Universe, free children of God, if you want to put it that way.

 

And the moment we make this decision, we already begin to hear the music of real life. We already begin to hear the voices and songs of truly living beings and spirits throughout all spaces and times: of Jesus, of Mary, of Einstein, of Feldenkrais, of Mozart, of the Beatles and so forth and so on.

 

And then of course our toes start to tinkle!

 

Because those highly musical informations make our entire body happy and just want to dance! And in case our body just has to sit straight or keep quiet, why then his toes start to dance. And everyone with eyes can see that and everybody can feel it and start to hum this glorious heavenly music along and be happy too.

 

Because this music is coming from truly living beings from the real world. And because the Holy Spirit who always sounds and speaks together along with our great ones IS pure music!

 

And soon as we hear this music of His automatically every moment turns into what it actually is:

 

A gift of immortal life to ourselves, to immortally living beings …


 

A HEALING POEM

 

This poem originated from an experience several months ago, when I took a rest on our terrace from intense business with various texts and an aching heart. I was afraid I might suffer a heart attack any moment. Through the experience, where this poem is coming from, my pain was gone within a short time and I could take some relaxed breaths again.

 

As I found out later, this poem has, the deeper you go into its thoughts, a healing capacity indeed. I have had the experience, that it can be applied helpfully to all sorts of restricting and frightening situations.


HEAVEN’S KISS

 

The hush of Mary cools my aching, burning heart,

her love comes streaming through my dark.

 

While Jesus’ hands relieve my shoulders from behind,

putting to ease my troubled, busy mind.

 

The while my legs and belly feel a Chinese master’s touch,

they never had relaxed that much …

 

And from above comes Heaven’s kiss,

oh what enormous, time- and space-less, happy bliss!

 


FROM THE SOUL’S SPARK TO THE GREAT DISCOVERY

 

There is nothing outside you. That is what you must ultimately learn, for it is the realization that the Kingdom of Heaven is restored to you.”

 

A Course in Miracles

 

Almost a year after I had finally kicked my disease-identification with depressions and MS out of my system by rigorously deciding I want to live and be happy and sane, which had triggered such a surprising recovery from all my symptoms that today for walking I just occasionally have to use a cane, or after, so to speak, the spark of my soul had definitely ignited, one afternoon I experienced on our little city-porch what all spiritual traditions refer to as awakening.

 

At that time I had often watched the YouTube videos of Mooji, a wisdom-teacher in the tradition of Ramana Maharshi and Papaji, correspondingly working with a central thought from “A Course in Miracles”, that we are not bodies.

 

With these thoughts I sat down in an armchair on our porch for a cigarette I had just rolled. I glanced at the big houses to the right, left and in front of our little garden leaving but two 30 degree angles for looking further and toward some high trees.  Okay, then I’ll let go of this body-identification, I thought to myself.

 

My inner self-image appeared, the image I normally see when I look in a mirror. Okay, so I’ll let go of this self-image, I kept thinking.  Very gently and easily it went “puff” and I had totally left my entire Christoph-identification. No more thought of a Christoph-person separate from whatever. No more thought of a Christoph-body.

 

Instead of that an experience of home like never before. I immediately knew, I am all that: this garden, these houses, these windows, this sky. No more Christoph far and wide. From everything my look fell upon it said: “I!”

 

This was the essence of all love, the essence of  all freedom and joy, the essence of all peace. It was so spectacular and yet so simple and gentle.

 

The brief memory of my body came back and I felt my chest glowing. The feeling of not being separate from anything however remained. Same as the knowledge that I had definitively left my body and achieved the goal of all human striving, the great, eternal “I”. No, not “I” had achieved this, that’s not correct. By giving up my “I” or by my “I” giving up itself, automatically the great, divine “I” had become the experience of everything.

 

In this experience no memory of my body or my person remained. Neither the least yearning for that. For what I experienced or rather, what experienced itself, was the deepest fulfillment of all that could ever be yearned for. On the one hand it happened completely beyond body-perception and yet simultaneously it included everything physical the look fell upon: houses, plants, windows, sky, trees, fronts. Everything sang: “I”, “I”, “I”, “I”.

 

That love is self-evident, that peace is self-evident, that freedom is self-evident, that God is self-evident, that I am self-evident, was completely beyond questioning.

 

And that in truth there always is only this “One”, that everything else is nothing but dreams, all way too weak to describe this “One”, to reach this “One”, to experience this “One” …

 

A thought appeared: “I should take another puff from my cigarette,” followed immediately by: “Not now”. I didn’t listen to this voice and took another puff.

 

And, puff, I was pulled back into my body sitting in an armchair on the porch …

 

Since then I know I indeed need do nothing else but, whenever I want to, go into this experience … Since then I feel how this experience extends by itself into my entire world and brings healing. According to rules I – thank God – do not have to understand!

 

My soul’s spark that had unequivocally ignited one year ago, which had made it so easy for me to follow my inner routes and inspirations – what before had only been possible with biggest effort and discipline – had unveiled its deepest core at last.

 

And, marvel of marvels: this soul’s spark is in everybody and everything! Always but accessible and free to be experienced by every man, every woman, every child, every animal, every being!

 

“Heaven is not a place nor a condition. It is merely an awareness of perfect Oneness, and the knowledge that there is nothing else; nothing outside this Oneness, and nothing else within.”

 

A Course in Miracles

 


THE BEST EXERCISE

 

“WHEN I AM HEALED I AM NOT HEALED ALONE. And I would bless my brothers, for I would Be healed with them as they are healed with me.”

 

A Course in Miracles

 

 

This is, I am sure, the most helpful thought concerning all kinds of diseases. It took me a very long time to understand how necessary it is, to stop concentrating on my own important disease and strive for its healing, but instead concentrate on the healing of others. Here is what Michael Ostarek wrote me just recently in an email on this subject:

 

THE TRICK TO BE SICK

 

… Being sick means above all: I am the one who is sick, so my needs are most important! And this is totally logical for the sick.

 

The healing process requires a different look at this issue:I will find my needs in someone whom I perceive as being different from me. And I will ask for help in order to help him. So I can love my brother as myself.

 

What’s that for?
Now the Holy Spirit can enter a relationship, because there is a temple for Him. And you can give your brother what you will receive for both of you.

 

This love will heal, because two cannot be sick.

Blessings all the way home
Michael

 

P. S. It’s not the words but it’s the experience.

 
 

This is where the Course generates all its healing power from! Up to now I’ve been mainly concerned with my own getting better again and although I shared my recovery-experience with as many people in need as possible, still my walking ability hadn’t gotten completely back to normal again.

 

Now since receiving this message from Michael and since I concentrate much more on other peoples’ recovery in my thoughts and silent good wishes I clearly can sense yet another big step in my own physical recovery. It appears this has been exactly the last missing link.

 

Michael himself had not been so well, when he started helping me. After two heart-attacks he had developed a painful form of neuroborreliosis. He had told me about it, however I can’t remember seeing him complain and beside he would usually jump around like a youngster. Obviously I had been one of his “guinea pigs” as to practicing his belief in other peoples’ wholeness and health no matter how sick they appeared and in silently wishing them well.

 

 

 

© Christoph Engen, February 2014

 

 

English videos for recovery via:

MS-TV MÜNCHEN Christoph Engen (on YouTube)

 

Older German version of this text via:

http://www.wundersindkeinwunder.de

 

 

Desert Miracle in Part 1 translated by Katrin Potticary and Barbara Fairlight

Translation assistance for the other chapters by Andreas Pröhl

 

 

The beginnings of a heavenly friendship

25 Saturday Jan 2014

Posted by Christoph Engen in Angels, Friendship, Literature, Miracle, Seniors, Short Story, Therapy, True Life, Wisdom, Writing

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Friendship

THE FRIENDLY OLD LADY AND THE ANGEL

 

85 years the friendly old lady would turn today! Now she remembered. She looked up from her calendar. There it was, in black and white: 85. Exclamation mark. Soon she‘d be picked up for her birthday party that old friends organized for her. “Jesus Mary!“ she mumbled, “that‘s pretty steep, 85!“ Then, after a thought break, she said determined to herself, “Giddyup, ole grey mare! Get yourself dressed up nicely!“ Her body obeyed and moved to the bathroom.

 

On her way there she suddenly, without knowing why, turned to the beautiful Madonna figure with baby Jesus in her arms. In the same moment, the friendly old lady heard the Madonna say, “Yes, go ahead. Pretty yourself up a little bit!“ “Well for sure, Madonna talks to me“, the old lady thought to herself. „Of course I do“, the Madonna figure said, „and you will see I can do a lot more!“ “Can’t wait to see it“, the friendly old lady thought to herself and went into the bath. “So you’re starting to hear voices already“, she said to her reflection in the bathroom mirror.

 

When the friendly old lady, all tarted up, came out of the bath again, she couldn‘t believe her eyes! There in her comfy leather chair sat a golden luminous figure with a friendly look. The old lady wasn‘t frightened, but she really had to rub her eyes thoroughly.

No indeed, a golden luminous figure sat there on her television chair and looked at her fixedly. “Jesus!“ it flashed through her mind.

 

„No“, the luminous figure answered pointing to a mighty sword. “The Master never wears weapons. Principally not.“

“So you must be angel Gabriel, right?“ asked the lady, with her jaw dropped. “Yes, my deference.“ He stood up and bowed his head politely, yes even in perfect elegance. The old lady couldn‘t stop wondering.

 

The next moment she heard herself say, “May I offer you a drink?“ “Yes that would be greatly appreciated“, the angel answered promptly, “a cup of coffee – the one that‘s left in your pot.“

 

While the friendly old lady infused the coffee into the cup, the question she‘d digged for arose in her mind, “Since when do angels drink coffee?“ it popped out of her. “Oh!“ Gabriel answered and took a delightful sip, „we don‘t have anything against the joys of the earthly existence … we often are interpreted imperfectly in this regard.“ “Oh indeed? Well, I‘m so happy to hear that,“ the friendly old lady stumbled. Simultaneously she noticed her big clock. “Oh God, soon it‘s two o‘clock!“ she said, “I get picked up at two. I‘m really sorry, Sir Gabriel …“ “No problem, most gracious“, Gabriel responded and stood up. Now she could see his mighty wings. “But you have wings!“ the friendly old lady exclaimed.

 

“Oh that‘s common with us angels“, Gabriel said formally and continued, “Why I‘m here, most gracious, will just take a minute. I‘ve been sent to congratulate you!“ “From whom?“ the friendly old lady asked with surprise. “The Master himself.“ “Lord Jesus?“ “Yes, of course. It was his special order – it was very important to him.“ “Couldn‘t a more unimportant angel than you have told me that?“ “No“, Gabriel answered resolutely, “the Master wanted to make sure his wishes were delivered by someone who can‘t be overlooked.“ His mighty wings opened gently and fanned some air to the old lady who started to break out in sweat. Then he took another delightful sip of his coffee.

 

The friendly old lady was speechless – she couldn‘t stop gazing at the angel‘s impressive appearance. He seemed to be enchanted by the taste of her simple coffee. “Marvelous“, Gabriel said, “wonderfully aromatic, hot and black. Many thanks for this tasty adventure, most gracious!“ Then he put down the cup, slightly shook out his wings and continued. “So, herewith I deliver you the warmest birthday wishes from heaven and all its inhabitants! Especially from your foregone friends and family. Yes and, as I said, our Boss in person made sure I would bring you this message personally.“

 

Really touched, the friendly old lady accepted the congratulations. Just when she wanted to thank Gabriel he interrupted her and said, “Of course our congratulations contain the very best heavenly wishes for you, your health and your wellbeing. Only, of course, if you wish so.“

„If I wish what?“ asked the friendly old lady.

“Health and wellbeing“, Gabriel answered.

“Why shouldn‘t I want that?“ it popped out of her.

“Well“, said the angel with a short whiff of sadness, “humans have very peculiar wishes, my dear. Often times they want to die rather than to be happy and simply enjoy this immeasurable Life of ours throughout eternity. They prefer to believe they are abandoned by God and all good spirits. Angels like us do not understand that either! It‘s a long and profoundly unreasonable story.“

 

„Does this mean that I have to invite health and wellbeing in?“ the friendly old lady asked thoughtfully. “Yes, of course“, the angel responded, “you just have to invite them in, to welcome them. If you don‘t actively want these things, they stay outside of the door of your life. If only humans suspected how much health and wellbeing and joy have to wait and wait and wait outside of their doors, just because they won‘t let them in.“

 

„But that‘s absurd!“ it bursted out of the friendly old lady, “well … but I have to admit, I also do that from time to time, especially when I feel very lonely.“ When she said that a shiver ran through Gabriel and he looked at her pervasively. Then he said, and it was as if a glorious, long-known but almost forgotten music echoed through his words, “You are never alone, do you understand? Neither you nor anybody else is ever alone. Even if it sometimes appears to be so. Don‘t always trust your eyes only. Nobody is ever alone. We are always here, always around. Every instant. Be certain of that!“

 

„Well that’s something“, the friendly old lady said after a pause, “that was beautiful, Sir angel!“ And after drying some tears from her cheeks she sniffed, “Another sip of my delicious coffee?“

“Well“, Gabriel said, “if you have time left to cook some new?“ He looked to the telephone. The next moment it rang and the friendly old lady received a message that she‘d get picked up for her birthday party two hours later.

 

“That‘s wonderful!“ she said on her way to the water boiler and smiled to herself. „Oh, Sir angel, I thought about it. I want it.“ “Want what?“ Gabriel asked. “Health and wellbeing and happiness“, the friendly old lady said, “for me and for everyone else!“

 

There the angel was all smiles …

 

The scribe of this story doesn‘t know more about the beautiful conversations between angel Gabriel and the friendly old lady and how much more coffee was drunk. It is reported however that from this first meeting on a profound friendship developed between these two.

 

 

© Christoph Engen, translated with Daniela Klampfer, January 2014


http://www.miraclesarenomiracle.com

 

A terminal kick in the butt of fear

21 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by Christoph Engen in Depression, Fear, Healing, Literature, Miracle, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Responsibility, Therapy, Writing

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Healing from depression, Healing from Multiple Sclerosis

MS-relapse

 

“Every disease is a musical problem, any healing a musical solution.”

Novalis

 

Suddenly in the early summer of 2010 I fell back into the mental state of a little overburdened and panicking child. Several difficult situations had come together in my life and I felt sheer panic as to how on earth I could ever handle all this. A state of massive depression followed and lasted for over two years.

 

Due to this depression almost immediately my health situation got worse. The neuropathy in my feet that I had gotten used to meanwhile began to spread all over my legs and all the way up to my bottom. My incontinence got so bad that I hardly dared leave my four walls. I was pursued by constipations and especially from late afternoon on my legs shook with spasms. To get rid of this horror and be able to think clearly again and happily would only work the six, seven times I succeeded to follow my inner guidance and stay up a whole night and the following day. However soon as I went to bed again I felt my old fear creeping in again and take over and the next morning my panic and disorientation was worse than ever before.

 

Hadn’t it been for Evi who kept life running for the two of us over this entire period, I would have been lost completely. Whenever she left home in the morning to go to work and I heard the door shut behind her I felt like a prisoner in his dungeon.

 
 

The laughing apple

 

“I decided to be happy, because it is better for health.”

Voltaire

 

What finally slingshot me out of this hell of depression was the final memory that I myself was the one and only cause of all this horror and that I had had plenty enough of all of this panic and fear and these rotten MS-symptoms. It was one day before my 55th birthday. A good 53, 54 years before as a baby I had been in a little crèche under my grandfather Paul’s beloved apple tree marveling at the beauty all around me. I had felt so relaxed and so very well protected by my grandparents’ and my parents’ love.

 

The light from the end of the tunnel first dawned on me the night of July 27th. During the day two very dear elderly friends of ours, Elisabeth and Manfred, had taken care of me during the day time since Evi had had to go to the hospital for a foot surgery. I had been very afraid of how on earth I would be able to deal with these three days with no skirt to hide behind. All day long Elisabeth had driven Manfredo and myself through the Bavarian countryside and I remember how moved I was to see there were still cows around and meadows and villages and beer gardens and normal people leading their normal lives. Over the two years of “imprisonment” within my four walls I had been sure I would never be able to get out again and lead this kind of a normal life and enjoy such wonderful little human delights as going to the country.

 

Back home alone this night after finally being able to end an eight day antibiotic therapy I had had to do because of bladder infection my spastics too returned back to “normal”. The antibiotics had worsened these spastics tremendously from evening on all through the night, sparing me but one or two hours of sleep. So this night promised to be less crampy and shaky. Near midnight I watched a wonderful documentary on a tour by the German singer and songwriter Konstantin Wecker and from deep within me I felt my WILL TO LIVE wake up again!

 

I was so fed up with these depressions, I was fed up with these pains, and I was fed up with this jerking of my legs! I was so completely fed up with this entire MS! Fed up, fed up, and fed up with all that!!!

 

And what I was fed up with most of all was this constant fear that had meanwhile spread over so many areas of my life like some exuberant cancer! Fear, fear, fear, wherever I looked in my life! Meanwhile I was afraid of everything. There was fear of walking anyway. Of course there also was fear of eating something wrong. There was fear of smoke, fear of alcohol, fear of white bread, fear of my hunching about on two canes, fear of peoples’ reaction who saw me that way, fear of falling down, fear of death, fear of life. Fear of everything!

 

And it was this very own fear of mine I had fostered and nourished and pampered for so very long that I rendered a definite, terminal kick in the butt that night! I wanted to be alive and happy again.

 

Next noon Evi returned from the hospital. It was my birthday and yes, I truly felt born again!

 

Eight weeks later I had recovered considerably from my MS symptoms and there were still three apples on the little apple tree of our small city-garden. The one laughing apple had already fallen to the ground and so had his follow-up apple with less distinct smiley markings. Over the weeks those laughing apples had continuously reminded me of God’s face that unflinchingly showered me with its smile and I am sure some of the apples in my grandfather’s garden had smiled at me just the same …

 

Christoph Engen

 

Excerpt from http://www.miraclesarenomiracles.com

THE SHIFT OF PERSPECTIVE 2

21 Saturday Dec 2013

Posted by Christoph Engen in A Course in Miracles, Awakening, Christmas, Education, Enlightenment, Forgiving, God, Healing, Miracle, Poems, Poetry, Responsibility, The Divine, Therapy, Thoughts

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A Course in Miracles, Literature, Mental Health, Miracles unlimited, Poetry, Thought

THE SHIFT OF PERSPECTIVE

 

Withdrawing the perceived lack of perfection from situations that they appear to have – in one’s mind – is what brings us home instantly!

 

When I am not experiencing perfection, harmony, deep peace and utter happiness in any given situation, I still do recognize this lack of perfection in my very own mind. It is there where my experience of lack originates. The “outer” situation is but reflecting this.

This is exactly the point, where forgiveness sets in: in forgiving or letting go the lack that I’m just experiencing – or, so to say, in pulling it off of my awareness like a sticker -, instantly the reality of this given situation shines forth and I’m delighted to realize, that it hadn’t been lacking anything whatsoever and that it is nothing but another magnificent expression of our innermost home, eternal aliveness!

 

http://www.miraclesarenomiracle.com

THE SHIFT OF PERSPECTIVE

16 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by Christoph Engen in A Course in Miracles, Awakening, Christmas, Education, Forgiving, God, Healing, Miracle, Poetry, Responsibility, The Divine, Therapy, Thoughts

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

A Course in Miracles, Mental Health, Miracles unlimited, Thought

THE SHIFT OF PERSPECTIVE


Withdrawing the perceived lack of perfection

from situations that they appear to have

 – in one’s mind –

is what brings us home instantly!

 

 

http://www.miraclesarenomiracle.com

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