It’s only today that I realize how much other peoples’ belief in me helped me to overcome my longlasting disease.
I deeply thank each and everyone who believed in me and my wholeness and health in the many years that I couldn’t do so, be they visible or not, be they from Christian roots, from Eastern wisdom-teachings, student-teachers from A Course in Miracles or helpful freelancers.
I had been suffering from progredient MS and recurrent depression for 23 years already and to get around I had to use walking aids or wheelchairs. In the last years of this miserable phase I would furthermore suffer from constipation, incontinence, fatigue and neuropathies.
All in all this whole situation felt like an agonizingly slow process of dying, losing one capability after the other. I had often tried to get up to high buildings in order to jump down and end this suffering once and for all. However the notion this might not solve any problem whatsoever and would only leave tears behind consistently stopped me.
Then what finally slingshot me out of this hell was that one legendary night I just was entirely fed up with dying. This was my life and I wanted to live it abundantly and be happy again, together with others!
What I was fed up with most of all was this constant fear that had meanwhile spread over so many areas of my life like some exuberant cancer. Fear, fear, fear, wherever I looked in my life. Meanwhile I was afraid of everything. There was fear of walking anyway. Of course there also was fear of eating something wrong. There was fear of smoke, fear of alcohol, fear of white bread, fear of my hunching about on two canes, fear of peoples’ reaction who saw me that way, fear of falling down, fear of death, fear of life. Fear of everything!
And it was this very own fear of mine I had fostered and nourished and pampered for so very long that I rendered a definite, terminal kick in the butt that night. I wanted to live and be happy again and in communication. Not tomorrow or in a week, but right now!
My depression was over immediately and my MS symptoms gradually started dropping away. As many abilities as I had lost over the decades as many keep coming back to me one after the other, and more than that:
Soon it was realized there is this Living Stillness and Peace deep within that becomes available the more that I give myself up to it. As is experienced, all healing and recovery comes from there. It feels like a radiant inner home that is absolutely unshakable. It feels like an unlimited inner reservoir of healing and life and happiness widely open to everyone who is willing to open up to it.
So there is actually only one thing I changed for this to become accessible:
I choose happiness and health the moment something unhappy comes along in my mind. Be it a feeling of guilt or a feeling of anger or a feeling of fear or a feeling of pain. And different from earlier times in my life, today I’m extremely determined in this.
Whenever any kind of relapse shows up, it doesn’t take long and I remember to take it as but another chance to find back to this inner radiant home of ours and to deeply refresh and recover in it.
It is truly our mind that is in charge of the way our lives develop. Any experience – good or bad – is but a mirror in which we can learn something about the attitudes we adopted. And if the picture we see in this mirror does not suite our wishes, it is our attitude we have to change first for the good to occur.
When we let go of our negative thoughts about whatever and decide for the good, the Eternally Good that is hidden behind will soon shine forth and show us exactly which way to go and lead us to greater and greater thankfulness, understanding, happiness and of course also health.
I just need to remember: Happiness is not a fleeting chance, it is a decision!
As already Einstein put it:
EVERYTHING IS ENERGY AND THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT.
MATCH THE FREQUENCY OF THE REALITY YOU WANT
AND YOU CANNOT HELP BUT GET THAT REALITY.
IT CAN BE NO OTHER WAY.
THIS IS NOT PHILOSOPHY. THIS IS PHYSICS.
Christoph Engen, April 25th, 2014